Saturday at home

no volunteering session this sat, thus decided to stay at home. Have been staying at home for past 3 days, i must say i really have enough rest.

Stella just called to ask me out for dinner at marina sq. Probably will go out and meet her. She have been concern about me and asking me to go out. At this point of time, she can understand how i feel cos she is also out of love. But sometime, i do think that she might be gulity toward what had happen to me as she is the one who intro him to me. Honestly, i never blame her before. She have nothing to do with the failure of my relationship and she only intro me to him. Whether it will work out or not, it is not within her control. Eventually, i am glad that we have become closer.

Going for a nap now. a better day and night to come? hopefully

2nd day at hOme- MC

This is my 2nd day at home. MC for the 2nd day. Doc had given me 8 packet of medicine. The medicine make me sleepy and i have slept for almost the whole day yesterday.

Being Sick made me even more upset. There used to be someone bringing you to doctor and someone calling you frequently to check on whether you have eaten ur medicine. But now, there is none. I know i responsible for my own body and i remind myself to eat medicine and drink water cos the feeling of being sick, only i can feel it and not others.

Surprisingly, he msg me yest night to ask if i am ok and hows my sore throat. Happy? Definitely.

People might think i should have done something to change the situations. Yes i did, i have applied more than 6 jobs. So far, income tax come back to me and i am waiting for the final panel interview. They describe it as legal loanshark. They say we will get scolding from customer. But if the pay is good, why not, that is my priority as of now.

I applied for a medical sales position refered by my ex bf best friend. He had been contacting me privately and helping me in anyway he can. But till now, no news on the job yet. He is still helping me to ask. Hopefully i can get an interview soon for that.

It rather demoralising when i didnt get the reply from the employer ; I just got a rejection letter from exxon mobil. I will continue to apply,hopefully, a job that i like.

My mum ask me to pay for town council bill this month. She say she will return to me. I knows its tough on her. When i grow up, then i realise how "powerful" money is in this society. Nevetheless, i still got saving to tap on as of now. I still can cope as of now. I am going to reduce my loan repayment amount, hopefullly, can generate more cash on hand.

Nobody read this blog?

I have not give this blog address to anyone except Andy and Lynn. And i thought nobody will be reading this blog anymore. To my surprise, i saw Andy's comment.

To Andy: YOu have told me soo much soo much, but i know it just doesnt get through to me yet. And the day it get through, perhaps i will be ok. Thanks for the msg, my buddy.

Perhaps i just need to express how i feel through words and through blog. Hopefully, when looking back my entries, i realise i have move out of this. Hopefully soon.

What is the meaning of life?

I have been occupying myself with lots of actitivities, make myself tired, very tried.

Yes, i feel better when i meet up with my friends and i do sleep better at night. But i am not happy. Totally not happy.

Due to that, i am sick. I went to see a doc myself. unknowingly, i msg him. I dont know why do i initiate the msg to him.

I am not wrong in this relationship. He love me, he care about me, he made me love him so much, and when he dun want, he just say break off. Even as a fren, he didnt initiate a msg to see if i am doing well or not. Why am i so silly? he dont care about me. He dont feel sad that the relationship had ended and why am i the one keeping in touch with him, pinning hope, a hope that may or never come true.

I should give up and move on. Am i right? If things can be that easy, i wont be suffering here right.

What is the meaning of life? Work is not challenging with low pay, i am in love with someone who dont care and love me and my family is forever troubling with financial issues.

If the end date of the world is 2012, i dun think there is any thing to be afraid. Cos i am sick of life, sick of everything. I find no meaning in life or can anyone tell me what is so nice about life when i am bothering about all these things.

I would not end my life i know though i thought of that before many time. I do not have the courage...i do not have.

today is a special day that is no more special

I cried and teared in office today unknowingly and uncontrollably

Today is a special day for the past 3 years plus and it will be special for 3 years and 5 months if nothing went wrong.

Like life, there is a beginning and there is an end. The date we begin is also the date we ended and it had been a month since then

I miss him so so much.